I had written this letter to my ex-partner/rapist in February when I had finally managed to break things off with him for the last time. I had written out the entire thing and gave it to him. I’m not sure if he ever read it, if he ever truly knew the damage that he did to me. This letter means a lot to me and it’s still extremely difficult to read back. It is truly painful knowing I let him do some of these things to me and knowing he is still out there doing this to other women.
I don’t even know where to begin with my feelings for you at this point. I originally started this letter with a bunch of positives but holy shit i fucking hate you. You lied to me our entire relationship. You were in love with your ex and you made me the fucking butt of it. You treated me like that knowing, in the back of your mind, you fucking cheated on me. Then you want to fucking lie about when you broke up with your ex? What the fuck kind of a joke do you think I am? You changed so much for the worst and I feel so sorry for you. You need serious help and I don’t know how else to tell you. You didn’t want to listen when I flat out told you you need to go to therapy if we were going to stay together. You made me hate myself so fucking much, not even in the way that I can’t stand to look at a picture of me, but where I don’t even feel like an individual anymore and I couldn’t tell you my hobbies before we started dating. I want to feel like myself but you still hold so much power over me mentally, I’m terrified that you’re around every corner ready to judge me for every little thing I’m doing. You put me down so much I just started hating every single thing I was into because it wasn’t up to your shitty “standards”. I should’ve left sooner. I wish I left sooner. I wish I left when you started making me feel like shit for not shaving because you did it by comparing me to other girls. I wish I left when you started making me feel bad for asking for your attention over fucking video games. I wish I left when you threatened to break up with me for not sucking your dick. I wish I left when you made me feel like shit for getting the piercings I always wanted, partly because you were comparing me to another girl. I wish I left when you laughed at me for crying over my dead cat and then yelled at me when I asked you not to laugh. I wish I left when you stopped complimenting me because, “you don’t need me to make you feel better about yourself”. I wish I left when you blamed your pre-surgery drugs on being a complete fucking asshole to me when you got your wisdom teeth removed. I wish I left when you yelled at me every time I drove because you didn’t like that I would get anxious. I wish I left the second I realized you were never going to recognize or even begin to understand my mental health in even the tiniest situations. I wish I left when I felt like you didn’t believe that my dominos manager had groomed me. I now know it’s because you’re a fucking pedophile and you were straight up grooming me too. I wish I left when you started non-consensually slapping me. I wish I left when your ex-girlfriend sent me those messages, you never did anything to make me feel okay about it, I now know it’s because they were real. I wish I never represed any of our memories together, but you made me feel like our relationship wasn’t real. I wish I left when you told me I wasn’t confident. I wish I left when you got mad at me for drinking red bulls when you have the diet of a 5 year old autistic child and never once even thought about changing it. I wish I left the second you told me you didn’t eat vegetables. I wish I left when you would get mad at me for answering certain phone calls, some of them being my family. I wish I left when you got mad at me for putting phone calls on speaker. I wish I left when you got mad at me for driving with the windows down even though it helped my anxiety. I wish I left when I told you I was suicidal and you called me selfish. I wish I left when you told me I was manipulating you when all I asked was for you to drive me to the hospital because I can’t understand my feelings enough to feel okay by myself. I WISH I LEFT WHEN YOU FUCKING SEXUALLY ASSAULTED ME. I WISH I FIGURED OUT YOU GROOMED ME WHILE WE WERE DATING. I WISH I LEFT WHEN YOU TOOK VIDEOS OF US HAVING SEX WITHOUT MY FUCKING CONSENT AND I FORCED MYSELF TO BE OKAY WITH IT. I wish I left when you yelled at me for having trauma over something small you did because that only meant to you that I was comparing you to my mom or past men I was with. I wish I left when you stopped giving me flowers. I wish I left when you yelled at me for vaping, because you never stopped smoking cigarettes when I asked you to and you smelt fucking disgusting all the time. I wish I left when you would make me feel bad for drinking, even though you did quite often. Also, I was drunk the night I broke up with you, how funny is that? I wish I never went to that hotel with you and held you that night, I had no idea that you would never reciprocate those feelings, and also because you were probably crying over the fact that your ex slept with someone that night. I hate you and I hate your stupid fucking double standard that you refused to acknowledge, ever. I wish this was a better answer but for me, the biggest realization for me was when you felt the need to keep telling me that you would agree to DoorDash with me every single time, absolutely promising you would join me, but every single time I asked you shut me down and all I wanted was one time just to make me feel comfortable. I’m so thankful that I was told that my feelings were valid and I’m not a negative person I’m just going through extremely difficult times. When did you ever work 80 weeks? When did you ever cry over your mom because you don’t feel like she ever really loved you? You never knew me. You never wanted to know me and it fucking hurts so much. I loved you so fucking much and you ruined this relationship over a fucking basketball game? I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you so badly because there was just something about you that promised me a future that I wanted, yet I don’t think I was ever going to get it. This entire relationship ALWAYS revolved around you and how you wanted to “live” your life but you never made any sacrifices for me. I RENTED A FUCKING APARTMENT FOR US JUST FOR YOU TO CHANGE YOUR FUCKING MIND ABOUT YOUR JOB??? You wouldn’t even take a break from video games at any point I would ask you, through the entirety of the time we were together. For five fucking minutes. I wasted my prime on you and I fucking hate your guts. I hope you enjoy controlling your next 18 year old and I hope she realizes a whole lot sooner than I did that you’re a terrible person. You can call me mean and as fucking nuts “lol” as much as you want now but you deserved getting in that car crash and holy fucking shit I wanna thank that dumb motherfucker that hit you because you deserve so much more than that. I know you’ll get paid from it but that’s out of my view, you wouldn’t even call to get the hospital bill I asked you for so who knows how far you’ll get. I hope you already threw this letter away by this point, you never wanted to listen to me. You never wanted to understand what I was saying. All I ever wanted was love and all you ever gave me was the worst anxiety of my life. You don’t deserve to know this but I do throw up at the thought of you. I’m glad I reunited with my best friends and I’m glad I’ve already let someone else touch my body because you didn’t deserve that. I wish you a horrible life and I hope god brings you many more painful moments.
– Kya (she/they)