I got my first boyfriend when I was 13. He was my older brother’s best friend and my parents loved him. I didn’t really want a boyfriend, but all my friends kept pressuring me into it. We spent the summer hanging out with a big group of people. I didn’t really want to be in this group, either, but my older brother was in it. Everyone made me feel cool and accepted, which felt nice because I was self-harming and had low self esteem. In my heart, though, I was really just a nerd. I really just wanted to read and spend time with different people.  

My friend group smoked cigarettes and weed and drank occasionally. I remember not really being into it at first, but peer pressure and acceptance were hard to turn down. My boyfriend was also really popular, so that made me feel… beautiful? Important? Maybe both of those. At some point I felt like I really loved him.  

My boyfriend wanted kiss after a while. I didn’t want to, but my best friend was making out with my brother and I felt pressured, so I kissed him. This theme continued through the summer. My boyfriend wanted to make out so I did. He wanted to go further, so I did. However, I was very clear about not wanting to have sex because I wanted to keep my virginity until marriage. He asked all the time, but I kept saying no. He said I would do it if I loved him, but I still said no.  

School started in August and we were in the same junior high. I went into 8th grade and he went into 9th. I said hi in the halls and he ignored me. He wouldn’t even look at me. I didn’t understand why, and he didn’t tell me. He acted the same outside of school, when we were hanging out with our friends. I felt really confused, and I felt really small. I eventually left him alone at school, but kept dating him after school and on the weekends.  

In November, 6 months after we started dating and a couple weeks before my 14th birthday, he finally convinced me to have sex with him. The first time, it hurt a little, and I kept saying “ow, ow, ow, stop.” He would, then we’d continue. I remember I felt like I had to just get through it. I don’t remember the ending, and I don’t remember how often we had sex in the following weeks and months. I guess I didn’t realize how traumatic it really was. He dumped me about a week later. He said it was because he was too embarrassed to be seen with me. He started dating another girl, and I was devastated. But, he came over one morning within a few days after the break up and explained that she was his school girlfriend, who he had to keep because of his popularity status, and I could be his girlfriend outside of school. I was thirsty for his acceptance, so I agreed. He came over in the mornings before school to have sex, and we continued in much the same way as before. Except this time, I had to see him with his school girlfriend in the halls. My self-harm increased.  

We broke up a while later. Over the next year, puberty was kind to me and I blossomed. I looked very different and got lots of male attention. This guy came back into my life and begged me to get back together. Something had happened to cause him to lose his popularity, so he needed me. We got back together, and he monopolized all my time. He refused to let me out of his sight, and it was suffocating. I broke up with him about a year later, and he wouldn’t stop coming over and trying to get back together. He often tried to get me in trouble with my parents so I couldn’t see other guys. The whole experience was so hard and so traumatizing.  

I know now I was far too young to be dating or having sex. I also wish I had not accepted his treatment of me. I see that my parents or brother should have intervened and supported me. And, I can finally call this what it is: abuse. 

-Anonymous