I was a junior in high school when my cooler, older senior friends invited me to a cabin trip. They bought me and my friend alcohol and played drinking games with me that I had never played before. I got very drunk and was having a wonderful time, blissfully unaware of what the guys were about to do. When I was drunk enough to abandon myself and my awareness, they pressured me into making out with my best girlfriend. They were obviously turned on by this and gave me more alcohol.
I was trying so hard to be accepted by the cooler, older kids that I accepted the drinks. I stumbled to a bedroom to go to sleep because I was way too drunk. The last thing I remember was two guys on top of me sticking their fingers inside of me and getting ready to do worse. I remember puking at the sight of this, causing them to leave, disgusted. The next morning, they told me to clean up the mess that I had made, that I was a person who obviously couldn’t handle my alcohol, and that I pretty much annoyed them and grossed them out.
We spent two more days together in that house and I never said a thing, they were my “friends” and I was convinced that I was the embarrassing junior who tagged along and did something wrong. It remained that way until we split ways after high school, and I was taken to the mandatory sexual assault class that everyone takes at CSU during orientation. I kept it together until I got back home and then began to have a panic attack and cried.
I truly didn’t realize that I was assaulted, the whole time I thought that I did something wrong and bad and that I deserved it and that is just what guys did to pretty girls, and that they were my friends so it couldn’t be assault. I’ve always hated myself for putting myself through this, and it’s so much harder to blame the people that caused your pain when you believe it’s your fault. I had never had sex or any kind of intimacy before that other than kissing. Sex has been something that I have steered away from out of fear ever since that night.
I honestly can’t even trust my boyfriend of 4 years to have sex with me and I don’t think he will truly ever understand why this is so hard for me. I haven’t been able to move on. This is what sexual assault does to a person, it destroys a part of you that you never even knew you had. I hope to one day find closure and move on, but it is so hard to trust anyone with this explainable pain and personal blame. I truly hate how one decision that isn’t even your own can live with you and hurt you for your entire life, until you are ready and able to take the hard steps to combat the harm it’s caused. Meanwhile, the person who did this probably doesn’t even remember or care about you or what they did, they just carry on.