I met this guy at work. He was mysterious with a “bad-boy” appeal. I was so damn attracted to him. I flirted with him, and he was interested, so we started dating. He was a brooding type and seemed so… wounded. He told me all about how hard life had been for him. His mother left, his parents were divorced, he was abused and assaulted as a child… the works. He used alcohol and drugs to cope, but he didn’t want to be an addict. He had goals and dreams, but it was so hard to make it financially. He was so sweet and gentle with me, and life had been unfair to him. My bleeding heart felt so much compassion for this beautiful boy. He was sad, and obviously needed love. My love.
There were red flags. I see that now. He started staying at my apartment a lot. After a while, he just stopped leaving. He never seemed to have any money and his car was crappy, so I always paid and drove wherever we went. We went out to play pool one night and he got super quiet. Dangerously quiet. When we left, I asked him what was wrong, and he said I embarrassed him by being loud at the bar. I was taken aback and thought through my behavior. I couldn’t think of anything out of the ordinary. I tried to talk to him about it, and he got angry with me. He pulled the emergency brake on my car while I was driving it, and we fishtailed all over the road. I was scared. I pulled over and made him get out, then left him there. He walked to my apartment, where we continued to argue. He bought me flowers later, but somehow convinced me the fight was my fault. I blamed myself.
The red flags went on and on. He got mad at me once when we ran into my ex at a bar, convinced I set him up by knowing the ex would be there. Another time, he was supposed to come over and no showed. I left home at 5am for work, and he was waiting for me in the parking lot with roses and a card full of poems he had written for me. Still another time, he took me to a get-together at his friend’s house and pointed out another girl. He told me this was his child’s mother. I had no idea he was a father. He told me another sad story about his son’s conception, and how he didn’t get to see him much. He asked me what I was thinking. I was totally freaked out, but the way he asked made me feel like I would be a jerk if I said so. Instead, I said it was okay with me. Many things like this happened. Maybe I liked the chaos a bit. Definitely, I was often confused.
Throughout the beginning of our relationship, he would pour love on me with flowers and poetry, compliments and secrets. He said he loved and trusted me, which was a big deal because others had broken his trust so often. Other times, he said I was too loud, too crazy, too awkward, too embarrassing. Sometimes he told me I smelled good, other times he said I smelled bad when I didn’t. Sometimes he said I looked beautiful, other times he said I wore too much makeup, or my clothes didn’t flatter me. He told me he loved being intimate with me, or that I was embarrassing myself in bed. The back and forth was dizzying and left me incredibly off balance, with only him to hold onto.
He also told me he didn’t like my friends and my family was awful to me in ways that made him angry. I pulled away from them. They didn’t understand why I was ghosting, and I didn’t have the words to explain it to them.
About 6 months after we started dating, we went to his parent’s house for the 4th of July. They threw a huge party, and we had a great time. We both drank a lot, and eventually I went into the house to look for a place to sleep. I went to the living room, but all the couches were being used. I walked to the dining room which was partially lit from kitchen light spilling through the doorway. I lay down on the floor in the shadows and promptly fell asleep.
I woke a while later and went to look for him. He was outside and seemed angry. I asked what was wrong and he said his friend showed up wanting to meet me, but he couldn’t find me anywhere. His friend made fun of him, saying I probably got mad for some reason and left. He said I embarrassed him in front of his friends. I apologized and explained that I wasn’t mad at all, that I fell asleep in the dining room. He glared at me and walked away.
I followed him, apologizing more and explaining that this was a misunderstanding. I didn’t mean to embarrass him. I followed him to the garage and touched his arm to get him to stop. He wheeled around and grabbed me by the neck with both hands, slamming me against the garage wall. He held me there and I fought to get away. He was taller than me, and my toes were just skimming the ground. He was saying things I don’t remember, with his face and body close to mine.
He kept strangling me. I couldn’t breathe. I gasped for breath, hitting his forearms to get him off me. I remember the sound of my toes skimming over and over again on the gravel, trying to gain purchase. He kept squeezing my neck. He was still saying things. He wouldn’t stop, so I bit him on the shoulder. He let go and stood back in shock, then slammed me against the wall again, this time by my shoulders. He bit my face, on my jaw muscle. I had a bruise of teethmarks on my face for a couple weeks afterward.
After the bite, he grabbed the back of my neck and threw me to the ground. I hit the ground on the side of my hip and caught myself with my hands. I sat there in shock. He crouched down beside me. He pointed to a lake that was next to the house and whispered, in a flat and quiet tone, “I’m going to take you over there and drown you.” I started sobbing and said, “I don’t want to die.” He glared at me for a few seconds, then got up and walked away. I got into my car and left.
He came over a couple days later, full of remorse and apologies. He brought flowers and poetry again. I stayed with him, because I believed him when he said he planned to stop drinking and just needed counseling. I made sure to never drink with him again. I blamed the alcohol, and his anger issues, but it took a long time for me to blame him. And I experienced a lot more violence before I was finally able to break free.
-Still Healing (she/her)
